Jeff Harvey
It’s the Heplingers and We Are Buying Your House
Dear Mrs. Meriton,
My current husband Tom and I are searching for a home in your pristine neighborhood that is near our work and to our son Ryder’s school. Every time we drive by your craftsman with its canary-yellow paint trimmed in ocean-blue, it reminds us of our time in Sweden when I interned for the president of IKEA, who is now a close friend and likes all my Instagram posts.
We are buying your house and to facilitate the process, I’ve opened an account at Palo Alto Title and Escrow. They’ve prepared a title report for us indicating you’re behind over twenty thousand in property taxes, and your lot is only zoned for one unit. Yet from the drone our son Ryder used to photograph the property, you’ve converted the garage into an additional unit. That’s not a problem for us at all because we plan to transform it into a lab for Ryder. He’s in a pre-k program developed by Elon Musk, who’s personally assured us Ryder will be on the first human mission to Mars.
My contractor pulled the existing plans from the county records office. He’s informed us your property extends over your neighbor’s lot by three feet. This hasn’t been made public so I’m sure it’s an issue we can resolve during contract negotiations.
Next Thursday works best for us to meet and review our resumes and DNA reports with you, which should give you ample time to get your paperwork in order. Tom works as a chef at the Airport Hyatt and will bring his famous avocado oil-infused donuts. His cookbook comes out soon with his favorite recipes paired with their companion country singer. We’re certain Tanya Tucker will grace the cover along with Tom’s chili recipe. I attended Stanford and work for a start-up developing online medical procedures. Because we already know we’re going to love you, I’ve spoken with our technician in Albania, and he will walk you through a virtual and complimentary gall bladder removal. There has been great success with no deaths. I feel so much better after removing mine.
Our appraiser has put together an estimate of nine-hundred thousand. This is slightly out of line with the Zillow estimate of three million, but with the potential legal issues with the neighbors and the county you’re facing, you will want to accept our offer. And after you finance fifty percent of our purchase at one percent interest, you’ll have a bundle left over for a roomy studio in a retirement village in Palm Springs that I can refer you to. You’ll just love it. They even have pickleball.
We had tea with your neighbor, Miss Tillson, and she was kind enough to tell us that she’s noticed extensive water damage to your hardwood floors. As you can see, we are easy to work with and our only request is that you vacate the property upon executing a sales contract so we can replace your existing flooring with faux-cedar planks, the trendiest and most eco-friendly available according to GOOP.
Excited!
The Heplingers
Rogér, Tom and Ryder
@HappyHeplingerClan
Jeff Harvey lives in San Diego. His work has appeared in or is forthcoming in Five South, Ghost Parachute, Bending Genres, FlashFlood Journal, and other places. He tweets @Jeff__Harvey.
