Elizabeth Burton
How to Return a Relationship
Our Policy
While we don’t have a satisfaction guarantee, we do have a generous return policy.[1] Many lovers, particularly those you guarded your heart against, can be returned within thirty days of the breakup. There are some exceptions, however:
The man who wanted to be friends.
The hard part, here, is that you won’t be friends at all, no matter what he says. You’ll both say hello when you encounter one another at parties, [2] and he’ll give you a pitying smile that indicates you should have moved on ages ago when you ask how he is, but other than that, nada, no matter how many friendly texts you send. [3]
The one who didn’t find you attractive.
Depending on how confident you are, this one might or might not require scoops of ice cream, tequila, a close friend’s assurances, a one-night stand with a man you meet in a bar who is wearing a lounge suit and toupee just to prove you’ve still “got it,” [4] or months of intense training at the gym to have a body no one could overlook.
The fling who (you thought) wanted something serious.
While most flings can be returned easily, this one requires being extra patient with yourself as you remember that leopards don’t change their spots; even though this leopard was handsome, employed, and well-educated, he still had teeth that wanted to bite into something other than you. This will require journaling and some time asking yourself, preferably surrounded by nice-smelling candles in a bubble bath, why you can see more in him than he can see in himself.
The one who “found himself” with your good friend.
You never realized he was lost. You struggle with wanting him to be infected with boils versus trying to be the bigger person. After all, at least the two of them had the decency to invite you to the wedding. You consider black roses, extra thorns, as your gift, but think better of it and pamper yourself with what you would have spent.
The one who said he never loved you.
The sex was so good, he stayed. At least you have that distinction to hold onto.
The one who claimed he was just not happy.
With you, that is. Or maybe with his life. He’s just not sure. The next thing you know he’s living in an ashram in Nashville, where he plays country music about his truck on weeknights. You almost listen to him play on a local podcast, but then remember you haven’t liked country music since Johnny Cash died.
The one who said you could do better.
He leaves you in the middle of the night, with nothing but a bill for a credit card he’s taken out in your name. You spend more hiring a private detective to find him and chase down the money than you would have spent paying off the credit card. You decide, after months of wanting to strangle him, that he was right.
The one who said he could do better.
This one hurts. You gave it all you had, but felt he was holding something back. “Let’s talk about it,” you say, but he shakes his head and tells you it won’t do any good. He needs something more, something different he can’t quite define. You realize he’s defined it in spades some months later when he marries the next woman he dates.
The one who ghosted you.
You call him up to tell him about a difficult day at work and get voicemail. You send a text you can clearly see he read but he never responds. All you want to know is what happened. [5]
The one who was perfect until you found out he also had a perfectly good spouse.
Depending on how far it went, this one might take a while to get over. Your sense of who you are may tilt because you’re not the “type” to have affairs. Resist the urge to tell his wife: remember the messenger is always shot and bullets hurt more than breakups.
While the above returns are unlimited, recognize that your patience may not be. For tips on Finding the Perfect Mate, see our newly redesigned dating website.
If you feel you’ve returned a lover by mistake, please contact your therapist at the first available opportunity.
Damaged goods can only be returned in limited circumstances and are subject to restocking fees equivalent to a month’s worth of therapy or hard liquor, whichever your lover prefers.
Footnotes
[1] Returns not valid for hook-ups or one-sided relationships.
[2] If you encounter him at work functions, please fill out the following survey: Do You Stay or Do You Leave Your Job? Your answers to this will largely depend on your financial status and how public you two were in your relationship. If everyone in the office knew, they’ll all be forced to take sides. Once the dust has settled, you’ll probably want to spiff up your résumé.
[3] If you do send more than three unanswered texts, please visit our “How to Let Go” helpline, where you’ll find sections on Grieving What Might Have Been, Self-Care Tips, and How Not to Bore a Friend Excessively After a Break-Up.
[4] See “Your Self-Confidence is Broken,” where you’ll learn how to appreciate the next blind date you go on, since he’ll be better than this by default.
[5] If you feel tempted to go by his house or workplace, please see Stalking Laws in All 50 States.
Elizabeth Burton writes and teaches in far Western Kentucky. She holds an MFA from the Naslund-Mann Graduate School of Writing at Spalding University and her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Louisville Review, The MacGuffin, Chautauqua, JMWW, Split Lip, Bending Genres, Porcupine Literary, among others. She shares her life with two horses, three dogs, five cats, and a husband who wonders why he's always last on these lists.
