Debbie Feit
Take Two and Call Your Therapist in the Mourning
You have been prescribed GRIEF...and it's time to take your medicine.
Parentoxetine Hydrochlordied (Extended Release)
Pronunciation: PARENT-ox-e-tine hy-dro-chlor-DIED
Brand Names: Dad-a-pentin, A-mom-icillin, Pep-sad, Depa-cope, Gluca-gone
Be sure to read the directions below so you know what to expect during your course of treatment.
** Warning--This medication is NOT recommended for use in young children**
What is this drug used for?
Developing an appreciation for the fragility of life.
Berating yourself for failing to finish writing that novel you've been working on for ten years and coming to terms with the fact that your pathological need for perfection has resulted in your dad never seeing it published.
Serving as a kick in the pants to finally plan that trip to visit your dear friend who moved to Copenhagen five years ago and who you haven't seen since. Or to at least purchase an end table for your living room instead of just indefinitely adding to your Pinterest board.
Inducing guilt and regret for all the times you rolled your eyes when she called as you were walking in the door from work or in the middle of cooking dinner or the moment you sat down, remote control in hand, after extricating yourself from putting the kids to bed.
What are some things I need to know or do while I take this drug?
You should tell the people in your life that you take this drug. (Chances are good they'll already know.)
There is no need to avoid alcohol when taking this medication.
As this may cause drowsiness or dizziness, do not operate heavy machinery, sign up to coach your nine-year-old's soccer team or feel guilty about skipping book club.
Best taken with food, such as the onslaught of deli trays that will arrive at your home.
Contraindications: Best to avoid taking with other critical life changes such as marriage or divorce, moving cross country, losing your job or birth of your first child.
Take full dose for first seven days for maximum efficacy. You may titrate down after shiva but expect it to take a year or more to no longer feel the effects.
Your prescription may automatically be refilled.
What do I do if I miss a dose?
Consider yourself lucky to have a brief reprieve from the mind-numbing sadness and unrelenting feelings of loss.
What are possible side effects?
Ugly crying jags, intermittent weeping or a flat affect
Insomnia or excessive sleepiness
Loss of appetite or sudden cravings for bagels, macaroni and cheese and other carby delights you stopped eating years ago
Jeans no longer fitting (see: loss of appetite or sudden cravings)
Stomach pain, memory problems, difficulty breathing, increased heart rate, headaches, hives, restlessness and writing of bad poetry
An inability to make critical decisions such as what type of dressing you want on your salad or which color nail polish to choose for your pedicure
A sudden urge to quit your job and apply for an MFA in playwriting, audition for Cirque du Soleil or become a Starbucks barista
Feelings of hopelessness, middle of the night doomscrolling and an unrelenting irritation with your spouse
Side effects may be managed with copious amounts of wine, Xanax or Ben & Jerry's. Spending the day in your pajamas binging on the latest Netflix miniseries may also provide some relief, as will not planning or cooking meals for your family. Monitor use closely. If you are unable to get out of bed, shower regularly or pack your children's lunchboxes for an extended period of time, you may want to consult your doctor or at least call your best friend.
Note
Any scarring that may occur will fade with time. Your body will adjust. Your dosage will taper. And side effects will lessen.
Guaranteed.
Debbie Feit is an accidental mental health advocate, unrelenting Jewish mother and author of The Parent’s Guide to Speech and Language Problems (McGraw-Hill) in addition to texts to her kids that go unanswered. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The New York Times, ONE ART: a journal of poetry, Abandon Journal, Five South, Passengers Journal and on her mother’s bulletin board. She has been a reader for Five Minutes, an advertising copywriter, and a person who used to be able to sleep without pharmaceutical intervention. Read about her thoughts on mental health issues, her life as a writer, and her husband’s inability to see crumbs on the kitchen counter on Instagram @debbiefeit or at debbiefeit.com.
